Soldiering On- One Day at a Time

Almost time…..

stephnjoshsmith — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 21:07:25 +0000

I had huge aspirations to really keep up with this blog, but life seems to have a way of creating distractions. One great distraction was that Josh got to come home for a 2 week visit in May. That was wonderful, refreshing, and just good for all of us. We enjoyed a lot of good quiet family time together just being normal. That’s all we want…a happy, healthy family all under one roof. We want a family who is able to eat dinner together, watch movies together, do weekend things together…just the simple little things. I can’t wait until we have that again.

Although he did not officially start deployment until June of 2010, he has been away since March of 2010…that’s 16 months that he has been gone. Technically he should be home soon, but there is no official date yet. Could be soon, could be the beginning of October. I’m not going to lie. Not knowing SUCKS and is causing me a lot of anxiety these days. I am in countdown mode, without a countdown. I know he will be home soon, but I don’t know when. I have organized his closet and started buying his favorite foods for when he gets home. It’s really like nesting in the last couple of months before the baby is due. You know that baby will be here soon, but you just don’t know exactly when.

To be honest, the ‘end of deployment blues’ are setting in. I am excited that he will be home in the next couple of months, but the closer we get, the slower time passes. It’s also depressing to know how he must be feeling. I’m sure his anxiousness to get out of there and get home to us is 10,000 times more than my anxiousness to have him home. I’m already imagining him home. I can imagine the feel of his hand as we watch a movie together, I can picture him making Sunday morning waffles for the kids, I can see him throwing him around the swimming pool. It’s so close, but so agonizingly far away.

I am confused about this depression I am feeling. I am so excited about him finally coming home, but it is taking so so so so loooong. This end of deployment yuck feels just like the blues I felt in the beginning of the deployment. Strange, right? We have been through a long deployment like this before, but I had forgotten how hard this part is.

Please don’t take this post wrong. I am so happy and excited for him to be home but the dragging of time is depressing. Hopefully, the next post I publish will contain some good news.

How Do You Do It?

stephnjoshsmith — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:44:48 +0000

Since the beginning of our relationship, Josh and I have had to spend time apart whether it be for school, the Army, or his job as a pilot. You know what? It works for us. He has had many deployments that have lasted 3-6 months and is now on his second 15-month tour. At least twice a week I am told, “I don’t know how you do it!” Well, this is how:
1) When he is away for long periods of time, we get to know each other all over again. We get to know each other through our words, our support, and our caring actions towards each other that reach over the miles. All of our interactions are based on our words to each other…not how we look, not physical touch, just our words and our hearts. I always think it is like old-fashioned courting.
2) During time apart, we get to know ourselves again. It is so easy to blend yourself with your spouse and your children and sometimes completely lose who you are. I have done this before. I simply became “Josh’s wife” or “so and so’s mother” and although I do love being all of these, I am still utterly and totally me. While we are apart, we each get to really concentrate on those things that make us individuals. We work on personal growth and taking care of ourselves, and that ultimately makes us better partners and parents.
3) He’s a bad ass. When I picture him doing all his soldier duties…leading over 300 soldiers…Hell Yeah! I think he’s a bad ass (and I like it).
4) He thinks I’m a bad ass. I do a lot of things alone. I fix the garbage disposal, jump-start the cars, mow the yard, build garden beds, fix sprinkler heads…all while looking pretty and raising three kids! Yeah, he thinks I’m pretty bad ass too!
5) We LOVE our country. I grew up in the military and have lived all over the world in some beautiful and amazing places, but love our country fiercely. The Star Spangled Banner makes my eyes leak every time. Fire works at 4th of July give me goose bumps. The history of how our country began and how we fought for our independence makes me nostalgic and leaves me wishing that, if only for a brief moment, I could go back in time and see what it was like to be alive during that time. Josh loves our country so much that he is willing to leave his family for over a year at a time. He is willing to leave a job and a life that he loves here at home. He is willing to die for you. Without question. Without a doubt. Just because he loves the United States.
6) We know what he is doing teaches our kids about honor and love for your country. It teaches them that our freedom, to live like we do in America, requires hard work and sacrifice. It is not just given. They understand that even though it is very hard and scary for him to leave us, he does it because he loves them.
7) When our kids see what I’m doing here at home, they learn what it is to be resilient, they understand that life WILL hand you disappointments, but you pick up the pieces and carry on the best you can. They see that when things don’t go your way, you can still smile and laugh. They see that even though they are not directly a part of the Army, what they do by supporting their father makes a difference to our country. Every time he returns home, it is like we are newlyweds again. We get to know each other in person all over again. It is not always easy, but it is exciting. We have both changed and we get to see these new changes for the first time in person while we still recognize the person we have known for 16 years. After nearly 16 years together, I still get excited little butterflies every time I get an email from him, every time I hear his voice on the other end of the phone, and every time I get a package or a letter I know he has touched. I don’t sleep for days when I know I am about to see him again and spend a lot of time making myself beautiful before he gets home…just like when we were 21. Each time he returns, it is that “new love” feeling all over again , but mixed with our “old love “ comfort we have developed over the years.
9) Although we are apart, we continue to grow together.

Is it Groundhog’s Day???

stephnjoshsmith — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 03:07:26 +0000

I feel like we are living in the movie Groundhog Day. You know the one where Bill Murray lives the same day over and over Well, this post contains very similar news to the last post I wrote. Again…today would have been the day Josh was to come home for a two week break. This time we were positive he would be home. This time I let myself get excited. Very excited! We both got exited because we were just days away and it had not been cancelled yet…and then…it was gone. Just. Like. That. We never told the kids because we were going to surprise them. We never told anyone else either. I was so so so excited. The house was cleaned and ready, groceries bought, all of his favorite foods were in the fridge and the pantry…we even registered for a race.

When he told me that he would not have leave AGAIN, I cried like I did the day he left. It hurt as much as the day he left. We all really needed him here. At the end of this month, we will be beginning our 8th month apart. This break would have been perfect. Yes, I was sad for me, but mostly I was sad for everyone else too. The kids miss him so much…Caleb will act out in anger, Abby cries at bedtime, and Jackson talks about him constantly. “Mom, when Dad gets home, can I eat dinner next to him?” When we are going somewhere he says “Mom, is Dad going to be there?” He cries randomly..out of nowhere. I see the big fat tears form in those eyes and I watch as he bites his lip and wrinkles his forehead in an effort to hold it all in. I don’t say anything in these moments. I just gather him in my lap and hold him and he cries and cries. When he is done he takes a deep breath and says ” I just miss Daddy so much”. I can’t even type this without crying. I hate that our kids have to feel this way. I feel awful for Josh. We each only miss him, but he misses all of us, and his home, and his job, and his normal life. Nothing is normal about his life right now. I feel the most sadness for him.

As you all now, I am pretty positive most of the time. I am mostly a glass half full type of person. He has been gone 7 full months, and for the most part, the time is flying by. I am excited that we are more than half way there! But I miss him more than I ever think I have missed him before. My chest physically aches sometimes. I am tired. I am everything to everybody. I am mom and dad. I take care of the house, the kids, the groceries, the bills, the repairs, the cars, the yard, the trash, the dogs, the flooding, the insurance, the damage…everything everything everything. When he is not here, neither am I. I miss the real me that has to take a step back when the ‘super me’ is in charge. Yes, I hold it ALL together. But I am tired. I am lonely. So yes, when I do have my moments when I want to vent my sadness and frustration, just let me vent. I don’t do it often and it does not last long, so just let me do it. I have been irritated that when I try to vent, someone has to say “Well, look on the bright side…” or “At least it’s not….” or “Yes, it’s been (blank) days, but that means you are (blank ) days closer”. I want to scream at them “I KNOW ALL OF THIS!!!! DON”T YOU THINK I HAVE THOUGHT ALL OF THESE THINGS!!!!!” 15 months is long time. Period! It’s not like I’m a Bitter Betty and I do think I handle this all pretty well…so yeah, it kind of makes me irritated when people don’t just let me vent or cry. I know most of the people mean well and want to cheer me up, but I’m talking about those few who have always minimized any painful situation we have been in. Boy, I didn’t mean for that to come out…but there it is and it’s staying.

So, there it is. Josh will not be coming home for a break. I cannot tell you why it got canceled…just some stupid technical Army stuff. Unfortunately , he will not get another chance to take leave so the next time we will see him is when he is home for good.

I do trust that God always has a reason for everything and that He does what is best for us. I do not question why his leave has been canceled three times…only God knows that and I trust him completely enough not to question Him. He has never let us down before.

P.S. I am not putting any more photos up until I figure out why all of my other photos are so distorted. They were not like that before:/

Today Would Have Been…

stephnjoshsmith — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 02:53:06 +0000

Today would have been the day Josh got home for a Christmas break. Today I am feeling a little more emotional, kind of depressed, and even a bit bitter. I have held in this little secret for a long time. A couple of months ago he called and told me he was able to get a pass to come home for two weeks during Christmas. I didn’t let myself get excited and I didn’t tell anyone. I had a plan worked out to surprise the kids..but still, I would not let myself get too happy about it because I knew that it could change..and it did.

A couple of weeks ago, he found out he would not be making it home for Christmas. They ran out of RnR (rest and recuperation) slots for his unit…too many soldiers, not enough time. Of course, being the commander, he was the first to lose his slot. He could have been selfish and taken a slot from one of the younger soldiers, but he gave his slot up. There are a set of young twins in his unit. These boys also have a brother stationed in the Middle East. Josh kept thinking about their mother at Christmas with all of her children in the Middle East, so he gave them his spot so they could surprise their mother for Christmas. This is what makes him a great leader. This is why I married this man. This is what makes the fact that he will not be home easier to swallow….this is also why, someday, when we are on The Amazing Race, I’m gonna have to play the role of “Bad Cop”;)

I’ll get over it, but for tonight, I’m gonna let myself be sad…maybe even tomorrow, but by Monday, I will suck it up and soldier on.

Hard

stephnjoshsmith — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 04:31:59 +0000

This is hard. I miss him so much. I have been really emotional these days…just the thought of the holidays without him. The thought of him being alone. I miss the simple things like sitting next to him on the couch and feeling his arm around me. We are only 120 days in…still a long way to go. I’m finding it difficult to be positive right now. I just want him home.

Josh Photos!!!

stephnjoshsmith — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 18:28:40 +0000

Well, it has been AWHILE since my last post. This time I have pictures of Josh!!!! (Click on the pics to view them larger)

The pictures of him marching are from a Reindeer Ruck march they had. He had me send him reindeer antlers, a nose, bells, lights and he got all dressed up for the march. Cute.

He is doing very well. The base he is on is very nice and they are feeding him well. It is a far cry from the base he was on the first time. He has been running a lot…I told him not to get tooo skinny while he was away…lol.

We have been able to Skype about once a week so that he and the kids can see each other. This is a huge difference from the first time he was gone. We only spoke on the phone once back then. What a difference it makes for both of us! Sometimes we just sit there on skype while he watches the kids fight in the background. He says it’s almost like being home. Ha!

The kids and I are doing well. We have been really busy..which is a good thing. I am cutting back on the photography jobs I take this season (I do my last one tonight) because I really want to focus on making Christmas extra extra special for the kids. We will all be missing him, and him us, so I really want to do my best so it is a special time for the kids. I’m ok. I have my moments…as long as I don’t hear those “please come home for Christmas songs” I’m fine. I don’t listen to those…I see no point in TRYING to make myself sad, so I just avoid those. It really helps that Josh and I communicate almost daily.

Hopefully it is not so long between posts this time. He has been gone 107 days…293 days to go!

337 Days

stephnjoshsmith — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 22:04:31 +0000

Wow….we have been so busy that I didn’t even realize that it had been so long since my last post. Josh has been gone 63 days and we have approximately 337 days left…nothing is concrete with the military. Since I last posted, Josh has arrived at his destination. Thankfully he is not living in a tent like they had originally thought. He is on a really nice base…in a room, with a bed, and internet service..woot! Despite the time difference we have been ale to Skype with each other for short periods of time. I know it helps him to be able to see the kids faces and hear their voices. It helps the kids to see and hear him too. It helps me to be able to hear his laugh. Sometimes, we just sit and the kids go wild behind me, and he just watches them…almost like being in the same room, except we can’t touch. This is so much better than last time when the only communication we had was letters and a handful of emails. The only time we will not be able to communicate is when he is traveling on missions across the Middle East for a couple of weeks at a time. Just thinking about this makes my stomach hurt…just remembering what happened the last time he was out on missions send a burning hot feeling through my gut.

I have his address if you want it. I am sure he would appreciate any letters. I don’t think he needs much ‘stuff’ since they have TWO PX’s there, a Starbucks, a Subway, a gym, and several other things that may make it feel a little more like home. Not exactly home, but I’m sure it helps once in a while. He may need running gels and probably would like any Dallas Cowboys items…although he insisted he needs nothing.

The kids and I are fine. We have been busy with Scouts, bike riding, rehearsals, and I even took them on a 3 day camping trip. We had so much fun. We have lots of plans in the works and should be pretty busy up until spring. I promise will try to update more often, but just wanted to let you know that Josh is doing fine. I was so relieved when he wrote to tell me he was on his base, that I cried. I am so relieved that he is on a nice base. Until next time…

What I Really Mean is….

stephnjoshsmith — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 20:58:01 +0000

These days people come up to me with a very serious “How are you???” or “How is everything???”. By serious, I mean they lean in close, look at me with concern in their eyes, and squeeze my hand. I usually smile a big ,brave smile and say “We’re good!” It’s true…we are good. Most of the time I really mean it too.

Sometimes, though, when I say “We’re good”, what I really mean is…

-I miss him.

-I woke up and cried today because I had a dream that he was here and he is not.

-I miss holding his hand.

-I was lonely last night and had a hard time falling asleep.

-I am feeling awesome and SO happy today…that makes me feel guilty.

-Abby cried on the swings at school today. My heart is broken.

-Caleb does not want to go to sleep because he misses his dad.

-It has only been about 40 days and Jackson told me that it was taking too long.

-I’m afraid that I will fail at parenting them alone.

-Last night I was afraid to go to sleep because of the noises I heard outside.

-I had such a fun time with my friends…I feel guilty.

-The other day I was so angry at having to deal with all of the house and school problems by myself.

-My mind is dark and cloudy with the “what if’s”…

-I ate the most delicious sushi ever…and I felt guilty.

-I have not washed his pillow so that I can smell him when I go to bed at night.

-I worry about his well-being.

-I worry about the kids well-being.

-I feel like crying.

-He called today and I am riding high.

-He has not called in days and I am feeling blue.

-I need a hug.

-I’m tired.

-I had a relaxing night and had a great night’s sleep…I feel guilty.

So, yeah, most of the time, when I say “We’re good” I really do mean it…but sometimes, if you look closely enough, you’ll see what I really mean.

A Lengthy Post

stephnjoshsmith — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 16:13:53 +0000

I have been bad at keeping up with this blog these days, but that just means we have been busy…a good kind of busy. A kind of busy that makes our weeks fly by until Josh gets home. Josh seems to be doing well. They will soon be wrapping up their final training days and board that plane to somewhere far away. People keep asking me where he is going. Here is what I can tell you: It’s in the middle east, it’s about 7000/8000 miles away, its sandy, it’s hot. I was able to talk to him last night after about a week of zero communication. I am so proud of him. Trying to lead a unit of 300 is not an easy task…so many personalities, so many problems, so many emergency issues that arise all while he is just trying to accomplish getting all of them trained. He seems to have this gift to know just how to read people and to effectively communicate with them in the way they need/like to be spoken to. Some people need a heavy-handed, no-nonsense approach. Some people need calm and nurturing guidance. Some people just need someone who listens and gives no advice. He is able to find out what each person needs and mold himself into that type of leader. He not only thinks about the unit as a whole, but he thinks about the actual PERSON…who they are, what they have to deal with outside of the Army. He is awesome.

When there are several days in a row that I don’t hear from him at all, it can be hard. Not hard in the sense that I’m crying and moping over him all day, but rather an internal nagging that wonders if he is doing okay. My brain knows that if there was something wrong, I would hear about it. My heart still worries a bit. Usually when I don’t hear from him, I know that he is just really busy and focused. If you are the spouse of a military person, pilot, or anyone who travels a lot for their job, you cannot be selfish. You cannot be insecure. You must be resilient and independent. Many marriages that involve time apart suffer…I really think it has a lot to do with pride, selfishness, and insecurity. I have heard wives and husbands complain that their job is way harder than their spouses. Josh and I try hard to realize that we each have a tough job and we mutually respect how hard the other is working. (Although I think his job is WAAAAYYYY harder than mine). Sometimes the spouse feels left out or feels like the person who is away is not thinking about them just because they have not called or emailed. I try to remember that we are always in the back of his mind. I understand that when he does not call home to check on us every few days, he is secure that I am doing a good job holding down the household and that he does not worry about us. I don’t want him to worry about us. He has enough going on. I understand his position and know that having us on his mind all the time would not be good for him or his unit. I know he loves us, but I also know what an important job he has in keeping his soldiers safe. It is their lives on the line.

Everything seems to finally be in good working order around the house…the water heater is working, the leaks are fixed, the air conditioner is no longer leaking…things are good. We just returned from spending 5 days in Michigan for my brother’s wedding. We had such an awesome time. It was amazing to spend time with family and old friends. I loved watching the kids relax , run through the woods, and howl at the bonfire. Abby fell in love with horses while we were there…an old love of mine. She was fearless and confident with the horses and even loved the non-riding parts that come with taking care of horses. My mission is to find a place here where she can ride and we can afford. I am hoping to find a barn that would let her ride in exchange for me doing some barn work or photographs. I also need to find a place for Caleb to do martial arts that is not a bazillion dollars a month and a 3 year contract.

A year sounds like such a long time, doesn’t it? I have decided to break it up into milestones/months so it does not seem so bad. I do this when I run and it really works. I will tell myself “Just make it to the stop sign. Now just make it to the fire hydrant. Okay, good, now you just have to get over this hill”..before I know it , my run is over. This is what I’m doing with this deployment. October is a crazy month for us. We are busy selling Boy Scout Popcorn and Girl Scout Nuts. I have Halloween Costumes to create and am taking the kids camping for 4 days. I have my client holiday sessions as well as a few other regular sessions. November and December are always busy because of the holidays and I have a fun race coming up in November. January is Girl Scout cookie time, February is Caleb’s birthday, March is Abby’s birthday and 4 nights when they are on stage for Fiddler on the Roof (I volunteered to be the production photographer and also help with publicity). Feb and March are full of tech rehearsals and dress rehearsals. Then in June we are visiting my parents for a couple of weeks. Before we know it, Josh will be home…see how quick that is? I am proud of this family and how easily we adapt to changes.

I will leave you with a picture of Jackson from my brother’s beautiful wedding. Jack was the ring bearer and took his job so seriously. He was so still and stoic standing at the front of the church. At the reception, all 3 kids danced their little booties off for

almost 6 hours. I love that they are not shy. I’ll post pictures of that later. But for now, just look at this handsome little guy:

Grab the World by the Balls!

stephnjoshsmith — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:11:13 +0000

—–Well, what is there to say except that we are all adjusting. I was so thrilled to hear that Josh had a fun and restful weekend. He ended up giving all the troops the weekend off. They had a couple of bus trips to Walmart to purchase things they can’t get on base, a cook out, and a few volleyball and softball games. Surprisingly, Josh participated in the volleyball and softball games. Why is this surprising??? Because, although we are both athletic when it comes to things like running and biking, you throw a ball in there and we both get dorky-ugly. It is not pretty when we participate in sports involving a ball…great comedy, but not pretty. I’m so glad he did it. He had fun and was able to show the soldiers that he really is just a regular guy. We even got to have a couple of web cam sessions with all 5 of us in cameras. It was great to see him relaxed and laughing since he has been so stressed out.

We have had quite a week at our house…water heater problems, a minor air conditioning issue, a broken vacuum cleaner, our ADT alarm going off at 2am which I followed up with a call to the cops (it turned out to be a battery issue, but I was scared…and I don’t really get scared), stomach flu, and strep throat…whew! We survived and thanks to friends who took the boys for the entire day yesterday, Abby got some recovery time and I got some rest. I also had a sweet friend who made us whole wheat spinach pasta from scratch and delivered it all hot and steamy with delicious meat sauce. I know we would not be able to do this without the support of family (I think I call my dad almost daily with technical questions) and friends who come over on a Friday night with alcohol and food to help me burn off some steam.

Josh and I talked this weekend and tossed around the idea of us coming to see him for their departure, but once again decided against it…what a tough decision it is…we are both riddled with guilt and frustration, but we know that us not coming is the right thing to do. The right thing is not always the easy thing. Besides the reasons I had mentioned in a previous post, the odds seem stacked against us. Abby has already missed 2 days of school and will miss 3 more due to my brothers wedding. This girlie can’t afford to miss days. Plus, if we left on the only after school flight, it would get us there at midnight. We would only have one day and then catch a flight at 6am the next day. He could possibly fly home, but decided against that. He is allowing the soldiers to have a break a few days before they leave, but they must stay within a 200 mile radius so he can get them back quickly if he needs them and so if flights are canceled, it is still possible for them to drive. He cannot break his own rule, so he is going to stay there. Lastly, it is just too hard to say good-bye again.

This time is much much harder than the last time…not physically or anything…emotionally. Most of the time, I am feeling pretty good. I’ve got it together. The kids are happy. The house is running and working. But the evenings, those are hard. Sitting alone watching a movie, wishing he was there holding my hand like he does when we watch movies. Those are the times when my chest feels hollow. I have decided to keep the kids pretty busy on the weekends…little outings and fun stuff. The weekends are when we really feel his absence. The doorbell and the phone are quiet because that is when everyone is busy with their families. I don’t begrudge them that. I am happy that they have their families in tact…it’s just when it is the most obvious that he is gone.

In the 5 years since the last time he has gone, we have gone through so much more together. We got through the other side of Caleb’s cancer together. We are older. We have been through a lot of good and bad times that nobody else will EVER know about together. We cheered for each other through what have , so far,been the best moments and carried each other through what have , so far, been the worst moments of our lives. In our short 15 years together, we have already experienced things that some people will not experience in a lifetime. Together. We love each other more, but more importantly, we LIKE each other more.

Wow! What started as a pretty happy post went downhill fast, didn’t it? Well, ths is a place for me to be honest about my feelings, so there you go…

So here we are. At the start of a new week. 20 days closer to him getting home. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start, and an opportnity to make great things happen. I’m a ‘grab the world by the balls’ kinda girl, so everyday I wake up and say”today I am gonna grab the world by the balls”…on with the show!